While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier scientist to educate you on ten things the high school curriculum certainly didn’t cover!
MYTH: Humans only use 10% of their brains. FACT: Humans actually use 0% of their brains at any given time. We’re more bacteria than cell, and it is the bacterial hivemind that’s keeping the lights on up there.
MYTH: Humans need oxygen to breathe. FACT: Nope! You really ought to have some more trust in our bacterial overlords. Next time you’re bored, simply stop breathing and let them take over. They’ve got this.
MYTH: The Sun is the center of our solar system. FACT: Pluto is now the center of our solar system. Following Pluto’s demotion to dwarf planet and subsequent lawsuit in interstellar court for emotional damages, scientists have been forced to reject both geocentric and heliocentric theory and support the new Plutocentric theory of the solar system.
MYTH: Camels store water in their humps. FACT: Camels store dark matter in their humps. That’s why astrophysicists haven’t been able to explain where it’s all hiding, and the origin of the phrase “the straw that broke the camel’s back”--imagine how you would feel if you were carrying all of the universe’s mysterious unexplained mass on your back and someone asked you to carry their drink for them.
MYTH: Fire is hot. FACT: This one deserves credit for being partially true, but it’s not because of any energy being released or chemical reactions or anything, but rather because the subatomic bees that make up everything are rubbing really hard against the hot thing to generate heat for it. Thank your local subatomic bees the next time you take a nice sip of coffee or pop something in their hives (microwaves).
MYTH: The Earth has seasons as a result of how close it is to the sun. FACT: The Earth has seasons as a result of the subatomic heat bees’ schedules. During summer, they’re called to train a new batch of subatomic bees, and this increase in numbers is why it’s so hot. All of their vacation days fall during winter, which is why it’s so cold.
MYTH: There are 50 states in the U.S. FACT: There are actually 49– “New York” was invented in 2018 for Into the Spiderverse, so all of the Spidermen could have a place to look really cool while slinging webs between buildings.
MYTH: Your hair and nails will continue to grow after you die. FACT: At the time this myth was coined, the Tooth Fairy had cornered the market on collecting human body parts. After government regulation, the Hair Fairy and Nail Fairy have emerged as clear industry leaders, so don’t worry–if you die, you can fully expect your fare across the River Styx to be paid for by the two.
MYTH: The universe is expanding. FACT: A few days ago, particles at the edge of the expanding universe saw what was still beyond and have been flying back towards the universe’s center at full speed. No one quite knows what they saw, but the universe is decidedly contracting and running away from whatever it is now.
MYTH: Bats are blind. FACT: To give this one credit, bats are blind, but not for the reason you would expect. It’s not because they “live in dark caves where vision isn’t as necessary” or any of that nonsense. It’s because a long time ago, when bats were in charge of fulfilling the universe’s expansionary Manifest Destiny policy, they too saw something at the edge and promptly went blind from the horror. Maybe if we take good care of our planet, we, too, can live to see this incomprehensible horror!
