CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes
Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.
The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the most pro-palestine professors will be fired and their positions will not be replaced.
CMU’s contract with chartwells will also be nullified — say goodbye to true burger! We will have False Burger in it’s place — even lower quality food and even less staff.
Libraries will now be closed every other day, because books are for nerds and only developing new LLMs matter to the university.
The only department to actually receive increased funding will be CMU PD of course.