Snowman animated by rogue BME students
At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The carrot was heavily cross-modified with mushroom and slime mold DNA. It grew an extensive, prehensile, “...f*cking ‘The Thing’-level gory, just terrifying…” mycelial root network, which became the muscles and nerves of the snow mold the carrot was implanted in.
After a successful awakening, the snowman was relocated to one of the Posner B-level freezer closets, where it was well cared for by a rotation of researchers and their childcare specialist advisor. The snowman was performing at cognitive levels remarkably similar to a human newborn; the researchers envisioned an exciting future studying the developing cognition of their creation. “It’s not going to be like Frankenstein’s Monster,” one recalled, “We’re going to do better.”
Evidently, some other students thought the same. At 3:30 A.M, unforeseen complications would set the snowman on a new life trajectory: a strike team of three philosophy majors – evidently tipped off by a mole on the research group – had managed to slip into the freezer and bar the door from within. For two hours, the door remained firmly locked despite the BME students’ attempts at forced entry, loud threats, and heart-wrenching begging.
When the door was finally opened from the inside, the researchers found their snowman engaging in earnest philosophical discussion with the invaders over mugs of ice water. The snowman, now speaking eloquent English and passable French, welcomed the researchers in with gratitude. It expressed a thorough awareness of the circumstances of its birth, unique existence, and inevitable demise; despite its jarring sudden worldliness, it expressed sincere appreciation for the care all of its parents had shown it.
The philosophy majors admitted that, once they had heard about the project, they felt they had to intervene and make sure the snowman was adequately shown affection and coached on the fallibility of man. After all, they couldn’t let it end like Frankenstein’s Monster; they wanted to do better.
The debacle concluded cordially. As long as it is not inadvertently salted, the happy snowman – now child to a fascinating 20-page custody arrangement between BME and philosophy departments – will continue to live a pleasant life in and around campus. If you are out late one night in the snowfall, and spot a little humanoid frolicking in the cold, rest assured it is having the time of its life.