Campus Activity Report
Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the most serious crimes plaguing our campus.
Non-Jewish amnesty recipient claims he and friends were just celebrating Purim
On Thursday, an amnesty call had the third floor of Morewood Gardens abuzz. Jason Zhou, the student for whom the call was made, spoke with reAdMe on the condition of anonymity. “Yeah, my friends and I were celebrating the Jewish holiday of Purim,” said Zhou. “We heard you’re supposed to drink until you can’t tell the difference between Mordechai, who’s the good guy, and Haman, who’s the bad guy. I guess I got to the point where I couldn’t even tell the difference between being awake and being asleep, though.” Zhou says he will “learn from this experience” and “use the exact same excuse next year.”
Afikoman gone missing, little Ricky on the case
Reports have been delivered to reaDMe that the afikoman in SCS professor Jonathan Wasserman’s home has gone missing! The Wassermans don’t know when the larger half of the middle matzah went missing, but investigators’ leading theories suggest that it happened sometime during the festive meal portion of the seder. rEadme reporters on the scene have been told that locating the afikoman is of utmost importance because the meal cannot end until it is eaten. However, investigators have stepped back from the case and are reporting that Professor Wasserman’s 7-year-old son Ricky is now leading the search. Professor Wasserman has announced that there will be a reward of a $2 bill and dessert for any who successfully assist with the search.
Hanukkah candle factory burns down
ReAdMe has received reports of an enormous fire which has engulfed the beloved Hanukkah candle factory in Monroeville, which served as a destination for many Pittsburgh-area Jewish preschool field trips for countless Decembers past. According to people familiar with the incident, the fire was started by a member of the quality assurance department, who accidentally dropped the candle on the factory’s repurposed industrial-era wooden floor, from where it spread across the hundreds of thousands of wicks and finished candles across the building. Though there were thought to be only enough candles to keep the fire burning for one day, the factory remained in flames for eight. Miraculously, no one was hurt.