README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an organization (aside from just generally fucking around of course).
The space from Baker Hall to the Gates & Hillman Centers is currently radioactive after a student at Carnegie Mellon built a homemade fissile core out of nothing but leftover booth supplies, the contents of their ECE toolbox, and an unknown amount of plutonium. The unknown student reportedly dubbed their creation the “Demon Core 2.0” immediately before kickstarting an uncontrolled nuclear fission reaction. Students and faculty are strongly discouraged from entering any of the affected areas until after the radiation dissipates.
The ‘Walking to the Sky’ sculpture at the front of Carnegie Mellon’s campus was stolen late last night. Mysteriously there seems to be no evidence of the crime other than a large hole where the statue once stood, leaving investigators perplexed. Carnegie Mellon student Eshaan Joshi is currently suspected of the theft after messages surfaced where he reportedly stated “wouldnt it be cool if someone stole walking to the sky. just kidding lmao. itd be pretty funny tho”. Unfortunately the lack of concrete evidence has prevented campus police from pursuing the matter further.
A student at Carnegie Mellon released a rat into The Underground to avoid paying for their dinner. The rat, which had been caught inside the Gates & Hillman Centers, proceeded to run around the kitchen and light several fires which nearly burnt down the building. No one, including the rat, was injured, however The Underground will be closed for an unknown amount of time. When questioned, the student responded “I’m not paying ten bucks for that, so sue me.” When they were informed that they were already paying for the meal plan, the student responded “oh shit”, took the rat, and ran away. If you have any information on the identity of this individual, please contact README.
A local journalist named Benner Rogers has been accused of creating fictitious crimes for README’s crime report. However, these slanderous accusations are entirely baseless and every crime reported is 100% verifiably true. README is a steadfast supporter of free speech and these baseless claims harm the integrity of the paper. In response, Rogers stated “Hey man I’m like 75% sure this all actually happened. Maybe 65%. Perchance.” As a respected writer among this papers’ staff, README stands behind all of Rogers’ writing.
