Tags: Real News

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

June 23, 2024, 10:41 a.m.
By: Ariel Kinel | Vol 1, Issue 4

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, I present to you my campaign for Water: The Most Forgotten Element (for CMU students). We are in a state where water is safe to drink. Why the fuck are you not drinking it? 122 is not an excuse. Drama is not an excuse. Being in Studio all night is not an excuse. The world is 69% water. Go out and drink it. You do not have an excuse. Walk outside and

open your mouth until rain drips onto your tongue. Water won’t hurt you. Speaking of, while you’re at it, take a fucking shower. Anyways, drink your water. Too many people have passed out. If you pass out, you can’t do Concepts, so don’t pass out – drink water. Cold water is the most satisfying thing you will experience at CMU. We all know you aren’t getting satisfied in any other ways. The feeling of cold water against your tongue and making healthy choices is the feeling of relief you are missing. Put your work down, and drink your water. Oh, and Tepper Students? This article is not for you. Go play with your crayons.