Feng Shui for ruining your life
Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room apartment can be transformed into the soul-sucking hovel of your dreams.
First, pick a building near an intersection with heavy traffic. Mudge, Morewood Gardens, and Residence on Fifth are all recommended locations. If you are living off campus, try to find an apartment complex that is also close to a stagnant pond and large, threatening buildings. Choose a room directly across from the elevators. This will cause difficulty in accumulating wealth, leave you more prone to accidents and medical emergencies, and create disharmony between you and your roommates. Ideally, the room’s bathroom should be on the leftmost side of the room and as close to the doorway as possible. Make sure there is a large window directly visible from the entrance so energy will leave the room as quickly as possible. If possible, renovate the apartment or dorm so that one of the corners is protruding with multiple sharp angles. This will create an irregularly-shaped living space. If renovation is not possible you can also use dividers to create a similar effect.
One of the most important elements in Feng Shui is bed position. Place your bed in the center of your doorway with the feet protruding into the hallway. Make sure there is no headboard. This ensures you are in the strongest possible funeral position and blocks the flow of energy into the room. A bright construction worklight should be used to fill your sleeping area with harsh light. Place a broken mirror near the upper-right corner of your bed and angle it such that you have an uninterrupted view of the toilet from both your bed and door. Inside the bathroom, place an aquarium of stagnant water. If there is not enough space, a full sink or bathtub will suffice. A few dead fish inside the aquarium are recommended but not necessary. If you want to go the extra mile, invite an evil spirit or two into your home. I hear they’re fans of ReadMe!
Proper balance between elements is vital when looking at your home’s Feng Shui. It is important to ensure your living space is following the most destructive cycle of elements: metal, wood, earth, water, and fire. By placing the elements in this each one will weaken the next, successfully removing any benefits they may have otherwise created. The placement of elements in the room is less important than the order and exact furniture location may be modified. This article will start with metal and move clockwise through the room for each successive element.
Starting with metal, place metal exercise equipment in the far-left corner of the room. Large 300 pound dumbbells are an easy option, as is a metal pullup rack. For wood, set a wooden desk directly in front to the right wall at a slight diagonal towards the far-right corner. Place a wooden bunk bed behind the desk. This will ensure lots of movement behind your back as you work. Next, place a large number of dead cacti on top of your dresser. This will satisfy the earth requirement while simultaneously increasing stress and conflict. The cacti will also invite bad energy, stagnation, and decay into your living space. If you’re worried the cacti won’t be enough, grow a colony of black mold on the wall closest to the door. Finally, add a couple more bowls of standing water in the bathroom to satisfy the water element and complete the cycle.
Congratulations! You have successfully used the power of Feng Shui to ruin your life. By following this guide, you can feel at ease knowing that you live with nothing but bad energy. And hey, at least it still won’t be as bad as Donner.