On the Four Questions
First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they all were at even though it was 4,000 years ago and also probably never happened at all (I can say that; most Jews don’t punish atheists for blasphemy these days). But before they get to telling you the story, the youngest person who knows Hebrew just well enough to do so will recite something we commonly refer to as the Four Questions. But there’s something people don’t seem to realize about the Four Questions: There’s only ONE FUCKING QUESTION. There’s ONE FUCKING QUESTION WORD and it’s at THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRST SENTENCE, YES, THE ONE THAT’S USUALLY PUNCTUATED WITH AN EXCLAMATION MARK AND SUPPOSEDLY THE ONE STATEMENT IN THE SET. NO, it’s ONE FUCKING QUESTION with FOUR FUCKING ANSWERS. NOT FOUR FUCKING QUESTIONS. “What makes this night different from all other nights” is a QUESTION. Does “On all other nights, we eat bread and matzah. On this night, only matzah” sound like A FUCKING QUESTION??? No, no. I’m not angry. If I were, it would be 100% justified. But I’m not angry. Not at all.