The Homosexual Conundrum
Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally signed up to donate my blood.
Woefully, on that fateful day, tragedy struck. I was filling out the patient intake form, when I was hit with the dreaded question: have you had anal sex with another man in the past three months? I felt a single tear form in my eye. Unfortunately, every day for the past three months, I had been having copious amounts of gay sex. In fact, every day for the past year I have been having gay sex.
Was this a punishment from a higher power? A message from God, punishing me for engaging in homosexual activities? The devil thanking me for joining the side of sin? A sick punishment from a divine gay soul for being a lowly bottom? I couldn’t believe this. Maybe the Christian protesters at pride were warning me. Did they divine this betrayal and try to save me?
I feel a tear running down my face as I leave the clinic. Everyone in line sees me exiting with no bandage on my arm. They are all silently judging me. They think I’m a little baby who chickened out donating blood. Do they see the homosexual glint in my eyes, and know this was a punishment from God?
Maybe this is the final straw, the final push to repent my life of homosexual sin. Give up this lifestyle, marry a woman, live in the suburbs, own a single family home with a white picket fence, have 1.8 children and golden retriever. Or I could just become a top.
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