All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things
As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. In fact, a lot of my friends are Jewish! Well, not that having Jewish friends precludes me from being antisemitic, but that — I mean, I’m not friends with them because they’re Jewish, they just happen to be both Jewish and my friends. So I’m definitely cool with the Jews.
Jesus [Editor’s Note: Really? Interesting choice of messiah], Benner, what are you doing? Get a grip. Just… just move on already.
All I’m saying is that some of my Jewish friends have a rather dark sense of humor. Particularly the ones who write for ReadMe. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Everyone enjoys a macabre joke every once in a while. But sometimes, from an outside perspective, it can look a little… questionable. Especially when they make these jokes in public. I mean, I understand that humor can be a way of coping with generational trauma. I’m not trying to say that isn’t okay! I totally understand the appeal for self deprecating humor. But we are in a very sensitive political time right now and, well, sometimes these kinds of jokes can come off rather poorly.
There might not even be any problems! I trust my friends to make good decisions while writing, and they’re all very funny people. It’s probably fine.
Look. I don’t think I’m getting my point across very well. I just… wow. I don’t know how else to say this, but… The Jewish people in ReadMe have said the most antisemitic things I have ever encountered. I’ve heard absolutely vile statements come from the mouths of my Jewish friends. If I repeated them, it would instantly make me unhireable. I’m talking about talking points ripped straight from medieval Europe. It can be really, really bad.
Again, this isn’t because they’re Jewish! I love the Jewish people! And I’m definitely not antisemitic! I’m just trying to explain that no, I swear I’m not a Nazi, my friends are just assholes who also happen to be Jewish.
Oh man… This is not how I wanted this to go. What am I even saying? You need to save this right now, Benner, or you can kiss any hope for an internship goodbye.
Do I need to convert to Judaism? Because I’ll do it. I am fully prepared to devote my life to reading the Torah and cooking for Shabbat dinner. Just please, someone let me know what I can do to make this stop. I’m a good person I swear. Christ [Editor’s Note: Hmm.], why am I even trying? It’s hopeless! Why does it have to be me? I’m not an antisemite! You have to believe me! It’s not my fault! It’s their fault! No, I mean, I don’t want to blame the — goddammit, it’s not the Jews’ fault either! I’m so sorry!
Oh god, why did I have to use my real name for this goddamn newspaper?