A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise
It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to business majors, or leave their dear native campus to party at Pitt. They take up spots in CIT and SCS, while forcing innocent students to live in cramped chambers, originally meant for two, in groups of three.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of students, many unworthy of this prestigious institution, currently enrolled at Carnegie Mellon is a grave mistake. In the present state of this great university, I have found a fair, cheap solution to the rambunctious noise and over-enrollment.
I propose each well adjusted, quiet, respectful student shall receive a bow and quiverful of arrows. Students shall be permitted to hunt tumultuous students from from the dead hours to the break of dawn. By my calculations it should only take around a dozen students with arrows lodged in their sternums for a quiet and order to be restored upon this great campus.
Furthermore, our glorious Carnegie Mellon is known to have an over-enrollment problem. I have calculated that upon the successful hunting and termination of these so-called “students” forced triple lodgings shall be a thing of the past. Even better, long waitlists for classes will be abolished. Per my calculations thirty percent if not more of each course is filled with bumping, bumbling, buffoons. It is egregious that this great university entertains this tomfoolery. The hunting of these dastardly devils for sport would solve this grand dilemma. Finally Carnegie Mellon would only be composed of quiet, gracious students.
It is no secret that this great university is not known for athletic students. This is a great source of shame, however, the institutional encouragement and promotion of hunting loud troublemakers for sport will alleviate this source of shame. Per my calculations the current muscle density of a Carnegie Mellon student is equal to that of a weak bunny-rabbit. After an institution-wide promotion of hunting these thunderous thugs for sport the average Carnegie Mellon student should gain the strength of the average 12 year old.
I profess in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my college, by promoting a culture of peace and quiet, promoting exercise, and dealing with over enrollment.