Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide. Auntie Readme was found dead, skewered to the Walking to the Sky monument and the autopsy found that this was the result of several misplays over the course of the preceding days. Now Auntie Readme's first and biggest mistake was getting stabbed 47 times. This happened in the early stages of the first quarter and forced them to play catchup with their internal bleeding for the rest of the game. Oh, and did I mention how well the internal bleeding played last night? Not only did they have a strong start, expertly capitalizing on Auntie Readme’s mistake, but they utilized their expert teamwork by managing to cause not 1, not 2, but 3 whole organ failures!!! A special shout-out to the Deep Cervical Vein who was easily the MVP of the homicide. They were single-handedly responsible for the most blood loss of anyone else in the game. The last half of the fourth quarter was where bad became worse for Auntie Readme’s team as their inability to keep pace with internal bleeding left their defense completely unprepared for the Walking to the Sky monument. It was certainly a risky move on the coach’s part to end Knife’s strong stab streak (47 according to the autopsy) by subbing it for Walking to the Sky, but it seems to have paid off. We asked Knife for a comment but since authorities have been unable to find it, we can safely assume that it is disappointed that it wasn’t able to finish off the game. Even so, Walking to the Sky swiftly ended the game with a big assist from blunt-force trauma. When all is said and done, Auntie Readme stood no chance against the all-out strength of their opponent. Poor preparation, lack of skill, and a failure to adapt really kneecapped their chances at winning. No wonder they say that the wounds were self-inflicted! Regardless, team homicide has a bright future going into the murder championship. This has been Mike Rophon, resident ReadMe sports announcer, signing off.
