Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married
1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen
Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother said? Rachel is moving to Philly for her residency. A doctor! Can you believe that? It would work out so well and you won’t even let me set you guys up. Fine, fine, I won’t. You know I do so much for you and this is all I get in return. I said I won’t. Oy, I don’t get an ounce of appreciation from this family.
2) Too focused on (unsuccessful) career
Wow, you want to be a writer! That's what the world needs more of. Why can’t you be more like your brother David. He and Rebekah are both gastroenterologists, just like Rachel is going to be. Why won’t you let me set you up with Rachel?
3) You stopped going to synagogue after your bar mitzvah You don’t even go to shul during the high holidays. Remember when you wanted to be a rabbi as a kid? Remember Morah Rivka? With the hair? She would be so disappointed in you. It wouldn’t kill you to show up once in a while you know. Just say hi to the Goldbergs. They asked about you the other day and all I could say was that you’re an unmarried schlemiel.
4) Your stupid haircut Your hair is too long. It’s unkempt. I don’t get your generation. Can you even see? I just worry about you bubbeleh. How will you raise my grandkids if you can’t even go to the barbershop?
5) Are you gay? I’d be fine if you’re gay but you have to tell me
You know I lived in New York in the 80s. I’m hip. But there's no good reason that a nice Jewish boy like yourself isn’t married. Are you gay? You can tell me if you're gay. I heard Susie’s son was gay. Why won’t you let me set you up with Susie’s son? He’s a gastroenterologist.