The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for README, stated that the slight raise in costs was necessary for improvements throughout campus.
One of the improvements the money will go towards is the hygiene of dining options across campus. A recent investigation from the Allegheny County Health Department revealed a plethora of food safety violations. After fifteen students contracted a food-borne illness, the university has sworn to improve hygiene in all of its dining halls. Negotiations with the cockroach union are already underway, with lead negotiators stating that they believe soon only the cleanest of vermin will be allowed inside kitchens. In addition, the Underground is planning to hire new food-tasters to ensure everyone’s meal will be completely free of E. coli.. University water will also be tested regularly to ensure that the levels of lead remain only slightly above acceptable levels.
The higher tuition is also going to be used to revamp Carnegie Mellon’s merchandise. CMU has decided to partner with various luxury brands for their all-new clothing line. “We want to show our students that anyone, regardless of financial status, can have the opportunity to wear high-end brands at Carnegie Mellon,” stated President Jahanian. “Carnegie Mellon is an equal opportunity school: anyone with enough smarts and dedication can attend. That’s why we want all of our students to have access to obscene displays of wealth.” When asked about CMU’s repeated refusals to recognize a graduate student union or increase funding to the Humanities department, Jahanian reportedly put his fingers in his ears and pretended he could not hear the reporter. So while CMU may not be increasing funding for adequate mental health support, students and faculty will be receiving a 5% discount on the new CMU x Gucci shirts. Prices will be starting at $500 per item of clothing.
