Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns
Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed onto the reindeer, Claus tweeted.
When pressed for a response, NORAD claimed they were, “spreading Christmas joy for every little girl and boy.” Claus claims that spreading this information is incredibly dangerous, and may lead to his assassination, especially now due to his recent exposal of political beliefs.
More interestingly, Norad has exposed that Claus’s total flight emissions for 2023 amount to 8,293 tonnes, which is over 1,100 times higher than the average person's entire annual emissions.
Flight tracking has also revealed that Santa routinely avoids poorer parts of major cities - such as Harlem in NYC - or entire cities themselves, as in the case of Detroit in 2022. Santa refused to comment on this information, routinely stating that the tracking itself is unconstitutional and harmful.
Santa will appear in court this Wednesday because of the case and has agreed to let the judge sit on his lap.