Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy
Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, after some careful investigative journalism (that did not include trespassing), our brave journalists were able to pinpoint the intended use of the laser.
According to internal SDC documents, the laser is able to get targeted wheels hot enough to burn them off of opposing teams' buggies. Additionally, CMU students are like cats, and when presented with a laser pointer will go ballistic. This advancement comes on the heels of SDC buggy’s latest scandal, where ████████ ████ with ███ using █████.
An anonymous SDC mech explained to READme that the new design was based on the revolutionary thinking of Marjorie Taylor Greene. “I remember her rant on Jewish Space Lasers causing the California wildfires and was inspired to put a laser on top of our buggy.”
The SDC public relations team would like to clarify that even though the idea was based off of a “Jewish space laser,” the buggy space laser is “non-denominational.“ Furthermore, SDC buggy would like to clarify that Greed “holds no ill will towards the Jews, and if they need to start another California wildfire anytime soon, Greed is more than happy to help out with a good cause.”
Readme reached out to Sweepstakes to ask if this violated any rules. They responded that because the laser doesn’t generate any momentum for the buggy, it’s “perfectly legal.” When asking if firing lasers at other teams broke any safety regulations, Sweepstakes stated that there isn’t a policy explicitly banning buggy-mounted laser cannons.
Some drivers are voicing concerns with this safety ruling. A FRINGE driver told reaDme: “I was perfectly fine cramming myself in a carbon fiber tube and going 35 MPH headfirst down a hill, but I draw the line at a laser pointer.” However, not all drivers are concerned with this new advancement. An APEX driver told readME that “there’s nothing to worry about, SDC is always disqualified before race day.”
Reportedly, CIA has already begun working on responses to this new buggy. Leaked messages show a machine gun mounted to the top of their buggy. A CIA spokesperson told readme that “this is purely defensive, and only a countermeasure.”