People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed
Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian king Ahasuerus’s wife, at least until Ahasuerus got so royally drunk that he banished Vashti for refusing to appear naked in front of all the partying men for his seven-day-long party. This is widely considered to be within the top three least normal things Ahasuerus did. This required him to find a new queen, for which he held a beauty pageant that the secretly-Jewish girl Esther won. Esther then proceeded to save all the Jews by convincing her famously morally-inclined husband to rectify his prime minister Haman’s decree to direct Persians to kill all the Jews, by allowing the Jews to fight back (because apparently cancelling the decree wasn’t an option). Esther is therefore widely regarded as cooler and more badass than Vashti.
Researchers were intrigued by anecdotal evidence that second-grade Esthers were more successful than their Vashti counterparts. One example researchers examined was a former Esther who is now the CEO of a Silicon Valley startup which makes an app providing an AI-powered Jewish motherly figure for non-Jews. She balances her job with caring for her 18 children. Meanwhile, one of her classmates who played Vashti in that same fateful Purim play has been unemployed since being fired from a dreidel-making company several years ago for rigging the dreidels toward the ש side (the only bad side) out of pure depression. Furthermore, she only has 8 children.
This made researchers decide to investigate further with a scientifically rigorous study. Their methodology was to email Hebrew school teachers and ask about students from 10-20 years ago. The researchers commented they were surprised that the Hebrew school teachers could report on every last detail of every single one of their past students who had played Esther or Vashti.
Researchers unequivocally found that Esthers were, in comparison with Vashtis, more likely to be happy, confident, and employed. They measured happiness via the Hebrew school teachers’ assessments on a scale from 1 to 10. This was a change in plan from asking Esthers and Vashtis to self-assess because “these teachers know everything about these people anyway; they’re basically Jewish mothers to all these kids.” Confidence was assessed by individually contacting Esthers and Vashtis, and then asking them to rank how well they perform on basic prayers. As all Jews who have attended Hebrew school are perfect at basic prayers after doing them thousands of times, researchers considered this a good proxy for confidence.
More research is needed to understand the causation behind this difference, but researchers already have theories. “Esther is the epitome of a strong feminine figure who accomplishes things and makes her husband reconsider certain poor decisions like getting a mohawk or allowing the killing of an entire people group. Meanwhile, Vashti would totally tell Ahasuerus to get a mohawk,” said one researcher. One possibility is that traits affecting eventual life success of Hebrew school students already exist in second-graders, affecting the characters they would like to play and how teachers tend to cast them. Previous research on why every girl cast as Mordechai ends up being gay has leaned toward this explanation. Another possibility is that the second-grade Purim play itself is a transformative experience, with Esthers physically learning to be brave and stand up for what is right, and Vashtis disappointing not only their Hebrew school teachers but also their Jewish mothers.