CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner
With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU announced that it will begin construction on a new, shittier Donner. The new Donner, aptly named Downer will be constructed directly next to the current Donner, so Donner residents are reminded that it could always get worse.
A competition was hosted among the architecture students to design a building just inhabitable enough to be zoned under student housing. Students were given 24 hours and unlimited cans of red bull. Current junior Eshaan Joshi’s design was selected. The building will have 9 total floors, 4 of which are sub-basements, each floor to represent one circle of hell.
To prevent constant flooding only the first floor will have bathrooms and water fountains. The space saved by having bathrooms on each floor will house amenities for the residents. The second floor will contain a practice space for Kiltie band, and the fourth floor will contain a completely blacked out study space for students taking 15-122. The third sub-basement will contain a game room featuring a ping pong table missing the net, a pool table, and random assortment of pool balls, and a vending machine that is never restocked. Each room will be just large enough to be feasible for a forced triple. Students who discover roaches in their room will be billed an extra $150 for housing extra tenets.
Unfortunately, the construction of Highmark was $5 million over budget, so some expenses need to be cut in the construction of Downer. Thankfully CMU students already enjoy constructing buildings for booth, so this year's carnival theme will be the construction of Downer. Students will build the foundations of this new building over the weeklong period, and then CMU will hire a construction crew to finish the rest. The 4 students in civil engineering will be tasked with leading this project, while current architecture students have shifted their studio focus to building popsicle stick dioramas of the new building. This new building will not feature air conditioning or heating, to further cut back on costs. Downer will contain washing machines, but dryers are predicted to be added by 2030, to help spread out the cost.
Many alumni are very excited about this project, especially those who lived in Donner, as they can now say they weren't assigned the shittiest housing on campus. Famous alum, David Tepper, has even agreed to donate a rotting whale carcass to serve as the new house’s mascot.