New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins
The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all over the country multiple squatters throughout the northern areas of the country have been located. Rather than try to go through the cumbersome, unliberal, and frankly un-American battle of forcing them out of their homes, they have been offered a chance to show how much they care about their new homes.
Toward the end of February, legendary garden enthusiast Joe Gardener will take a tour throughout the American North to rate and judge all of the competitors' gardens. They will be judged based on the following criteria: size, healthiness, aesthetics, and of course a baseline standard of softness; no one likes a cold and rigid plant. The winner will be given full legal ownership of the home in which they have been squatting. The losers will promptly and swiftly be disposed of.
For any neighbors worried about potentially having to permanently live next to an unsavory individual, as part of the coordination with the local police property rights for those individuals have been temporarily revoked for the duration of the competition. Essentially, squatters will receive no police aid during events of vandalism, harassment, arson threats, being in an HOA neighborhood, etc. Thus neighbors can also use this as an opportunity to help bring their local communities together too.
We hope that this competition will both help to bring people together as well as help squatters treat both their abodes and their lives better. (Note if there are no gardens able to meet the minimum score to win, all competitors will be deemed losers)