Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move
If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and Wellness & Meaning-Making Programs and the Ampersand Support Group. In a shocking wave of terrible news, however, numerous upperclassmen have been found dead near the former UHS entrance, piled up like the lanternflies near Walking to the Sky. “I had a really bad cold, so I wanted to come to UHS and get some cough drops,” said one deceased senior. “But when I discovered that UHS wasn’t at E-Tower anymore, I figured it wasn’t worth trying to find the new spot, so I just decided I wouldn’t even bother living anymore.” “Mine wasn’t even that bad,” said another, “I just needed an excuse to get out of here.” A number of other dead bodies echoed the sentiment, making it well known to all around that they were just done with this shit.