Readme Crime Report
README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, so…..
Student Drives Forklift Recklessly, Causes Major Fire
A local student drove a modified forklift carrying two gallons of crude oil into the Tepper School of Business at an alarming speed of 90mph, causing millions in property damage. The glass on the building all shattered, and because CMU has no money, they elected to cover the glass with cardboard and bedsheets. Business students have set up a bakery sale to help fund the reconstruction of the building. The culprit was not caught but witnesses described the student as “definitely David Tepper himself and not a student at all”. Please contact README with any additional information.
Engines of Cars Stolen, Turned into Strange Statue Engines from cars parked on Beeler and Margaret Morrison Streets were unexpectedly stolen and replaced with fake bombs, causing panic and an overwhelming spike in calls to the CMUPD. When checking out where the engines could have gone, they discovered a statue made of melted engines in the shape of a toilet in Merson Courtyard. A printed note was left on top of the toilet in a mix of Russian and Esperanto but authorities were too confused to translate it. The car owners were not given any compensation for their lost engines.
Stray Cats Cause Ruckus In Underground After a rat was set loose, causing multiple fires, in the Underground by an unidentified student, another unidentified student brought several stray cats to deal with the aftermath of the fire. The cats however, seemed to have other plans and proceeded to sell anything salvageable for three times their value on Depop and rent the place out to their other cat friends for an ungodly amount for the condition. When the cats were captured, they told the local reporter “Mraow'', which can only mean they would have done more. They will be held at the local animal shelter to pay for their crimes and all their money gained was confiscated.
Magazine Editor Commits Various OSHA Violations A local satire magazine editor was recently handed several Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) violations due to unsafe workplace practices. Said editor forced staff to handle construction and heavy machinery without any training, fall protection or adequate equipment. Employees also handled hazardous chemicals without being informed they were actually hazardous. When the employees were asked about their thoughts on the situation one replied, “I did think it was strange when my arm started to glow neon purple.” It should be noted none of the employees questioned why a satire magazine needed to build or handle chemicals in the first place. Currently, the editor is trying to sue OSHA for “wrongful violations” and “being bad at their job”.