This Week In Bears
Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.
Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles
Two bears have recently joined the CMU Unicycle Appreciation Association. These bears have been seen on campus for a few weeks, disguised in hats, scarves, t-shirts, shorts and tutus. Their reason for being on campus is unknown, however they have been seen riding their unicycles all across campus and greater Pittsburgh, perhaps in an attempt to cover up their easily identifiable bear paws. Most likely, these bears are on the run from animal control and park rangers for their crimes against campers. The authorities have been contacted but they informed reaDmE that the bears were “Nothing to worry about”.
Sniffing For Meat Amongst Student Body
The bears have been seen handing out jars of salmon jerky and overnight oats for free at the UC, despite not being part of any student organization. While our reporters weren’t able to obtain any before stock ran out, we were able to find some residue leftover in a trashcan. Some of the residue was contaminated with other trash but a sample was obtained nonetheless for testing. Upon examining the remains, one reporter threw up immediately, a clear sign of poison. These bears are obviously trying to poison the study body to harvest their bodies for meat.
Deadly Pair Create Disguises for Escape
These two have also been found knitting fuzzy sweaters, hats, gloves, and so forth outside of Wean. Animal Control and park rangers must have pinned the bears for crimes against humanity and as such, the pair are making new human disguises. One reporter bravely went up to investigate and didn't return for several hours. He was later found sleeping in Sorrells Library in a very large and comfortable sweater with a mug of hot cocoa next to him. We can only conclude that he was knocked out deliberately by the bears who are now onto us. Unfortunately, it seems the bears have made off with their disguises and are now on the run somewhere else. If any readers have any information about the bear situation contact readME immediately!