Winning the War on Christmas
As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are about 8-year-olds outwitting criminals invading their family’s homes and policemen thwarting terrorist operations rather than finding the true meaning of Christmas. The thought of it makes me shudder. With that in mind, the Jewish writers of reADMe have decided to join the War on Christmas—on the side of Christmas. With that, here are some ways that we, the true saviors of Christmas, will win.
Celebrate it for eight days. We all know that one day of Christmas is way too short. However, twelve days of Christmas is just too much of a commitment for most people. I propose we meet in the middle, with eight. Why eight, you ask, when half of twelve is six? Well, six just sucks as a number, and five and seven are both odd, which is bad. This means that eight is the best number of days for a holiday as special and important as Christmas to be.
Light candles instead of a tree. Christmas trees are a hassle for most families. In recent years, many have resorted to buying fake trees, or decorating other items that can sit in a corner or window. Instead of buying expensive trees and ornaments every year, buy a much cheaper singular item that fits eight candles (one for each day) and 44 very thin candles (so as to light two on the first day, three on the second, and so on and so forth, as one candle lights all the others). This will save money in the long run, and an enormous amount of time and effort spent preparing the tree.
Eat oily, fried foods. The fact that I, as a Jewish person, don’t know whether Christmas has any foods strongly associated with it really exemplifies why Christmas is losing the War on Christmas. So what better than eating foods fried in oil? What’s more American than donuts, maybe even filled with jelly? What’s more Christian than shredding a potato and frying it in oil to make a sort of pancake? If nothing else will save Christmas, Big Cooking Oil will.
Gamble. Americans are addicted to gambling. So addicted, in fact, that it is incredibly sensible to celebrate Christmas by betting real or chocolate money on a game of near-complete chance. By spinning a top akin to a four-sided die, with the sides decorated to commemorate the miracle of the birth of Jesus Christ, Christmas celebrations can be made fun again by playing over chocolate coins, or contentious by betting real ones. These tops can be wooden or plastic, but are most special if you make them out of clay.