1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to stop, because it’s so central to who we are as Tartans. It’s a miracle no one has yet died flying around the bends in Schenley Park in a fragile tube built by a couple of crusty nineteenyearold MechEs. You could be the first!
2. Alcohol: self-explanatory.
3. Falling off a ride: in a shock twist, turns out CMU has been paying amateurs all along.
4. Falling off a ride due to alcohol: oops, doc, I forgot to strap in! Musta had something wrong with my memory.
5. Being a lab rat: welcome Bill Nye the Science Guy to campus! Turns out it was just an excuse to make you his lab rat. Whoops.
6. Alumni parties: alums are back, and this time, CMU’s decided to give them a “Hospitality Tent” right in the middle of the Cut. But that’s not where they’ll spend most of their time no, they’ll spend most of it offcampus, reliving their glory days. And they might go too hard. Don’t be a victim.
7. Frat boy hookups: also self- explanatory. Do not bang a frat boy. Or do, at your own risk. Who am I to judge?
8. Alumni hookups: similar, but this time, the death risk is shame.
9. Heart disease: it’s still America, and heart disease is the numberone leading cause of death in the United States. Get your heart checked!
10. Getting into an Uber only to realize it isn’t an Uber, but an F150 owned by some dude who voted for Trump, who did not invite you into his car, but you were drunk so you didn’t realize, and who lowers the hammer on his Glock as soon as you touch the door: he will have a funeral for the glass of his window and give nary a shit about you.
