Vol 1, Issue 6: the issue in which we discuss the merits and downsides of severe alcohol poisoning
Rejected Headlines
Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipseNEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans
President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties
Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option
SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them
CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?"
You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl
Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyÂStabber, and the Twist.
Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports
Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws
REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse
Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response
Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?"
Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025
All this and more, not in this issue!
Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions
Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …
...readme booth to bring back factory towns
Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …
...A Letter from the Editor
As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …
...Top 10 ways to die during Carnival
1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - Âit makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …
...Booths shut down due to OSHA violations
MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …
readme introduces the BoothBuggy
It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …
...With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training
In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …
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