An Open Letter to the CMU community
I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.
Today our God-given, American, English-speaking heritage is being eroded. The youths of today bastardize our language. Influenced by foreign, alien forces, they feed poison into our language in the form of arcane and accursed words, diluting the power we hold so dear. They poke holes in our sacred rules, inviting ridicule. And they share their horrid utterances with one another, bamboozling dictionaries into accepting their made-up words.
It has come to my attention that playground-goers have developed a new abomination. While all true English words have only one meaning, this newfangled creation reeks of multifunctionality. Its versatility cannot be overstated. It’s used to express both joy and discomfort, as an expression of disapproval, and in reference to immoral “web videos” and “image macros.” Naturally, I will not refer to this word in writing and shall only call it “the fuck word.”
I have tolerated the fuck word for far too long. While I would never associate with any individuals who use verbiage of such profane nature (for which I coin the term “profanity”), I am nevertheless forced to breathe the same air as those on campus who do. So-called “cool” professors, campus police, and even our student newspaper constantly spew the fuck word into our pristine spaces. In fact, anybody who uses the fuck word deserves the death penalty. If my child said the fuck word after hearing it said by a college student (evil incarnate), I would shoot them right on the spot. Thankfully, change is on the horizon.
On December 14th, 2024, ne’er-do-wells in no way affiliated with ReadME painted a horrible message on the fence. I actually agree with the message, but because they used the fuck word, I am morally obligated to hate them. Student Senate rushed to the rescue. To preserve the eyes of passersby, they immediately censored the fuck word. However, after coming into contact with the fuck word, they had to amputate their hands to reduce the risk of contamination. We must honor their service.
The Carnegie Mellon Student Government Graffiti and Poster Policy does not make any restrictions on content except prohibiting messages that are libelous in nature or violate the Carnegie Mellon Code. So, It’s obvious that Senate is relying on the Disorderly Conduct Policy, which prohibits “the use of abusive or obscene language or gestures to/by a member of the campus community.” While the fence painter was not found, I’m sure that Senate would have pursued harsher punishments. I am hopeful that this policy will expand to apply to the spoken word and on-line “direct messages” between students.
I ask of you, Student Senate, continue to do your excellent work. The fight is far from over. I would like to suggest some other policies to assist you in your crusade for justice: the Academic Integrity Policy, the Computing Policy, and the Prenatal Radiation Exposure Policy, applied liberally, should allow you to crack down on the fuck word.
President Farnam Jahanian: Immediately terminate any faculty or staff that make use of the fuck word. The reputation of the university is on the line. In order to keep the funds of Carnegie Mellon’s benefactors from falling into the wrong hands, you must implement a zero tolerance policy. Any person employed by Carnegie Mellon University who says the fuck word must be immediately stripped of their position and pay and also killed.
And to you, readers of rEaDMe: as the members of Carnegie Mellon with the most refined tastes, I implore you to make your voices heard. Distance yourself from any “friends” you might have who say the fuck word. Drop any classes where you so much as hear someone saying the fuck word outside. And most importantly, use your newfound free time to tell Farnam Jahanian to never allow the fuck word on Carnegie Mellon campus ever again by calling him repeatedly at this phone number: █████████.
Editor's Note: Isn't this just doxxing?
With your support, we can take charge of the issues that we care the most about. But we must work together.
Sincerely,
Fulke Fuchs