Vol 3, Issue 1: the issue in which we all find ourselves back in this special corner of hell.
Rejected Headlines
Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again.README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot.
i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed.
Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus.
README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away
Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up.
Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time.
Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh.
Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science.
98Â304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU
Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy
Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics.
All this and more, not in this issue!
Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION
Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …
...Steam Tunnels Missed Connection
I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …
...Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025
The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …
...Best clubs for returning freshmen
For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …
...CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy
The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it. This simplicity falls apart, however, …
...
Top 10 Milkable things on campus
Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.
Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …
...
CMU announces new set of steam tunnels
Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led by …
Back to School at CMU
It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school …
...
Overheard at CMU
Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"
Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "
"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on …
...An Open Letter to the CMU community
I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.
Today our God-given, American, …
...In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others
Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …
...Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"
Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.
…
...Readme Election Corner (2024)
Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …
...