CMU announces new set of steam tunnels
Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led by the ever faithful Meat, toiled day and night for many moons to have these tunnels finished for their dear readers, so please use them, we’re begging you! (We know it’s not perfect, but they didn’t let us have any breaks and we’ve been surviving on Celsius and saltine crackers, just let us have this).
The new steam tunnels boast state-of-the-art heating and cooling, 12% less asbestos, and are perfectly legal to travel through, as long as you get a signed document from President Farnam Jahanian for every trip. They connect every building to every other building at CMU, except Donner House. So now, if you enter Doherty 1117, go through a trapdoor, climb a ladder, solve a material balance, and order a hard apple cider at La Prima (Gates) you may descend into the vast new steam tunnels, where you’ll find a whole world of magnificence, entertainment, and rats awaiting you in the darkness.
The new steam tunnels let students emerge at convenient spots around campus, such as directly in front of President Jahanian’s office, in the line at Hunan Express, atop the Hamerschlag Radio Tower, and inside the Tartan Express food truck. Readme hopes this will minimize traffic congestion near such areas and promote a safer, calmer environment aboveground.
With winter weather fast approaching, it’s important to keep warm and cozy while traversing campus between classes. To promote a festive and cheerful atmosphere, Readme will be hosting weekly events in the new steam tunnels, celebrating the new year, Carnegie Mellon, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Our first activity will be finding the three interns we lost during construction. Find us in the new steam tunnels at 5 pm on Saturdays!