As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which case you can enjoy Carnegie Mellon from the comfort of your own home, 24/7, on up to three different devices! This place has a long and storied history, as one of the first institutions of higher learning on this side of the Appalachians. From the Fence, first constructed in 1917 to keep students from jumping into The Ravine, to the secret tunnels under Purnell that drama professors use to escape angry mobs, to the prefinals scream all students participate in to convince their professors to curve, dear ol' Tech is a place with a good many traditions for you to engage in. And besides studying in Hunt, and studying in Sorrells, and studying in your dorm, and studying in bed, there is actually quite a bit to do here. I haven't even touched on all the good study rooms in the UC.
Readme, of course, is excited to see you all here, and we really do wish the best in your time on this campus. While we do not, in any way, endorse fun, it's important to remember to prank all your professors once a semester it's hard to get an A otherwise. CMU's a wonderful place, filled with wonderful people, and you'll make your governmentmandated one (1) lifelong memory here in due time. The rest of it? Honestly pretty forgettable. With all that aside, it's good to remember the three rules of college:
1) Don't increase the population
2) Don't decrease the population
3) Try not getting caught?
Without further ado, and with a warm welcome to hell itself...
