Benner Rogers

image of Benner Rogers
image of Benner Rogers

Pronouns: She/her

Major: Literature and Culture

Year: DC '27

Location: Wean 5202

Fact: I'm illiterate. Don't tell Eshaan, he hasn't noticed yet.

Benner Rogers


Bio

Yes, I am a real person. README'S number one and only journalist since 1981


Tags: Real News

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

June 23, 2024, 10:59 a.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 6

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin intensive training on how to steer buggies for this year’s Spring Carnival. The s...

Tags: Real News

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

June 23, 2024, 10:58 a.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 6

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival Committee was quoted to have said “What?”. Furt...

Tags: Real News Science and Technology

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

June 23, 2024, 10:50 a.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 5

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a groundbreaking investigation into why anyone would possibly spend tens of thousands o...

Tags: Real News

Duo Push Goes Rogue

June 23, 2024, 10:39 a.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 4


An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds...

Tags: Real News Science and Technology

README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

June 23, 2024, 10:36 a.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 4


As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s...

Tags: Real News

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

June 23, 2024, 10:13 a.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 3


The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email wr...

Tags: Real News

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

June 23, 2024, 9:46 a.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 2

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU representative stated that Donner will, in fact, still be used to house...

Tags: Real News

Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart

June 18, 2024, 4:07 a.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 2


An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On No...

Tags: Crime Report

Carnegie Crime Report

June 17, 2024, 11:41 p.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 1

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an organization (aside from just generally fucking around of course).

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Tags: Real News

The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

June 17, 2024, 11:32 p.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 1

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their homework. However, behind ChatGPT’s shiny facade lies a foundation of exploitation an...